the four right chords can make me cry

First of all, Thank you God for bringing me through last week! tests and projects and stress, but i made it through, thank you for your faithfulness.

this week has been good, lots of prayer. Janice prayed for me and damien on wed, I thought that was very thoughtful and loving of her. Then today we prayed after captain's ball/frisbee. I thought that was the highlight of the day. Really wonderful to see the body of Christ at work in school, to hear about how other facs, halls, standing comms are doing. I just love the way how people who don't really know each other all that well yet can just come together and share from their hearts about the things that are important to them (their ministries etc), and pray for each other.

to be honest, I didn't really feel like going for captain's ball today. first off, it was a bad day for me at the PCC, today felt really useless. I didn't know how to talk to the patient at all, she was totally ignoring me. and its not just her, I feel i can't really communicate with ANY of the patients there... as hard as i try... i'm just sooo not good at talking to people. so I left the CDC with lots of thoughts going on in my head: why am I doing this? what difference am I making? why am I so lousy at this? I may have the heart for it... but i seem to really suck at this... etc etc etc. and then the thought of travelling all the way to school when I didn't have to, was not appealing, to say the least. I was about to walk away from the train station, but don't know why... just found my feet walking back and somehow ended up on the train. I do a lot of things without knowing why, and that was just one of them.

and it was sports, i'm not good at sports. usually i don't mind playing, can be quite fun, but today just felt so lazy. but i went anyway. and it wasn't bad, played frisbee =) the chance to get to know the people from the other facs was good, and best of all, prayer. I haven't been praying on my own for a while, can't exactly blame it on the late-night project work rushing. so today was a good reminder about what's so great about prayer and why it should be central in a christian's life.

as i was walking to the train station from the CDC, was struck by a sudden pang of loneliness. I really miss having enai to talk to. Got lots of friends around me who care and love me so much... but... sometimes i just want someone who knows me so well, to just listen. Never missed you so much until you were gone, enai. But the loneliness is tinged with sadness, because so much has happened in my life, the little things that come up to huge differences, that i don't think enai knows me that well anymore. But then i think, did she really know me all that well in the first place? I mean, this could well be a case of nostalgia distorting the true situation, imagining things to be better than they actually were, I do that a lot.
Is there anyone on this earth who ever really understood me? Can there ever be someone like that? Am i expecting too much from another frail human being?

to quote the Corrs, loneliness like a heartbeat drives you mad, in the stillness of remembering (or imagining) what you had and what you lost.

Cest la vie? Muss es sein?

posted by beckyboo @ 10:48 PM